I think I am an exhibitionist. It's a funny thing, because I always thought of myself as a relatively private person, in some ways secretive even. But ever since I started this blog, I have this Turrets-like urge to type up everything from my deepest darkest secrets to what I eat for every meal. And not only do I want to tell it, I really, really, desperately and obsessively want someone to read it! I don't only want to hang my dirty laundry out, I want people to see it, to smell it even. That my personal business is floating out there in the Universe, is not fulfilling enough. I need to know it is being read. So much so, that I hit refresh on this page quite frequently during the day to check for comments (this is not an easy thing to admit; try not to judge me. I know it's easy). And so the debate continues in my mind... to post or not to post on facebook?
Having moved around a bit in my life, I have accumulated a fair amount of facebook “friends”. All of them I have at least met face to face once, but very few of them would I define as friends in the real world. Let's be honest, I probably would not even say hi to many of them on the street (which does not mean that I wouldn't spy on their fb lives). Putting a link to this here e-diary would guarantee a fare amount of traffic to it. This blog is sort of like running through the streets of Jerusalem naked, am I enough of an exhibitionist to want those streets to be full of people that I actually know?
You know those people that update their status messages about every twelve minutes? (Attention Seeking Narcissist breathed in. Attention Seeking Narcissist breathed out. Attention Seeking Narcissist breathed in again...) I used to make fun of those people. Now I am becoming one of them. I often times catch myself thinking in terms of facebook statuses throughout the day. For example, this was me earlier today:
AnKa is on the bus.
AnKa is heading to Yoga.
AnKa is in Yoga and her mind is completely blank.
AnKa is not thinking about updating her facebook status right now.
AnKa is feeling peaceful and content.
AnKa does not have racing thoughts. This one doesn't count.
Anka can smell her own feet in this pose!
AnKa is not thinking about her smelly feet.
AnKa is wondering if the girl next to her can smell her feet.
AnKa's mind is BLANK, damn it.
AnKa can't balance.
AnKa is falling over...
And so it goes. Not having an iphone saves me quite a bit of embarrassment. In this new age of exhibitionism and voyeurism, what is the proper e-etiquette? How anonymous are any of us out here? And are we really sharing by posting our lives online? Or are we all just building an online persona? Any thoughts?
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I think a bit of both. It`s definitely therapy, but also a way to express yourself and help people see the real "you". We all want to be understood. You may be surprised that there are a lot more people out there who think the way you do! But there is something more "private" about posting here than on Facebook...
ReplyDeleteThese are all very familiar thoughts to me. the refreshing pages especially. every time i post a painting in a forum, a journal on Deviantart, and lately a status on facebook, i spend a good portion of the day checking various emails and accounts for comments and replies. deviantart is especially idiotic in this sense, because even if one gets a comment, it'd usually be smtng like "nice" or "cool lol roflcopteromgbbq!" and offers absolutely none of the pleasure of companionship and acceptance one is seeking when doing this.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing it's like that for most ppl. we're not alone in being idiots, it seems the condition is pretty common. ;) i try not to think of it in bad terms, like attention seeking and whatnot. I try to look at it as a human's quest to leave the isolation of his own head in whatever desperate means life offers him. this kind of speceist self-pity makes it easier on me to not deny myself the fulfillment of this urge. :)
You know, if you do post this on facebook, all your thoughts about your facebook "friends" will be on facebook :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. It's taking all my strength not to make one of your random thought facebook status' my facebook status!