If I rub my stomach, people assume it's a baby and not just fat in there... will that work if I rub my butt?

Hi I’m back!

I know, I know I haven’t written in a long time… and you know why. Yes ladies and gentlemen I’m pregnant. While I could blame the lack of inspiration on hormone levels, bouts of projectile vomiting or other fun pregnancy symptoms, those are not the honest reasons I haven’t written. The real reason I haven’t felt inspired to write in quite a while (or at least I haven’t felt inspired to write anything publicly) is because finally becoming pregnant has made me really, Über, super duper… please brace yourselves… happy. Yes it appears that the tiny little human being growing inside of me has somehow depleted my sarcastic bitter edge and here I am, shiny, wide eyed, smiley and lovey dovey… I am the kind of glowy, round pregnant woman who used to make me puke (nowadays lots of other things make me puke though, quite literally).

All you readers followed angry, bitter AnKa… so how will this happy-go-lucky version manage to keep your attention? I am afraid of being a boring blogger, so for these last few months I elected not to blog at all. But now I am back… and what can I do? I absolutely love that there is a little girl growing inside of me. I already love her so much more than I ever thought I had the capacity for… sometimes, when no one is looking, I idiotically hug my stomach. Like a complete moron. Don’t tell anyone. See I may be boring, but at least I still share secrets…

I am sappy and mushy and sentimental. I cry at everything. Thank Gd we don’t have a TV or I would be crying at commercials, guaranteed. At night, when I can’t sleep (or maybe this is the reason I can’t sleep) I worry about raising her…and how exactly I will avoid messing her up... I mean, I feel pretty messed up most of the time, so is it possible for an all-sorts-of-messed-up mom to still raise a healthy and well-balanced child? Sometimes, I make lists of little promises to her.

I’ll share some of these thoughts here.


Dear Daughter,

I will try not to mess you up by moving around too much.
I will try to make sure you never feel lonely or alone.
I will feed you healthy meals which we will eat all together as a family.
I will try to understand you.
I will try not to mess you up by infecting you with my food or self-image issues.
I will try never to fight with your Dad, and definitely never in front of you.
I will try not to spoil you (too much).
I will encourage you to explore.
I will encourage you.
I will be proud of you, even when it’s not for anything in particular.
I will pay attention to you, no matter how tired or bored I am.
I will accept you as you are.
I will teach you not to take shit from anybody.
I will teach you to speak your mind.
I will teach you to always think positive.
I will teach you to believe in yourself.
I will teach you to live life to the fullest and to always appreciate what you have.
I will teach you to look on the bright side.
When the time comes, no matter how it breaks my heart, I will let you go.
And I will always hope you come back.

Love,

Mommy